From jealousy@gdn.net Thu Apr 29 02:05:56 1999
Date: Fri, 05 Dec 1997 05:33:10 -0600
From: jealousy@gdn.net
Newsgroups: alt.gothic
Subject: Self examination,chainsaws and a leave of abscence(long, rantish musings)

For those with no patience...
I'll be leaving, possibly until C IV.
I will return.
If you want to remain in contact with,
email me.
If you don't, don't.

Now...as to the reasons...

  I have a difficult time beleiving that I have been on this newsgroup
for just over a year.  In terms that are difficult for me to describe(not
to mention embarrasing), this newsgroup has effected me, for good and
ill, to the point where it has made a permament mark on my life.

I have made a few truly excellent friends here.
I have found a wealth of shitbirds towards which I can target
my endlessly flowing ill-will.
I have found a truly frightening way to waste time.

  Begun as a lark and an offhand remark against Xthlc Matt's response  to
a christianity thread, AG, or rather some of its memebers, went on to
drag me, enchant me or simply force their lives, freindships, loves and
foibles on me.	This is not a bad thing, mind you, and I am in no way
severing myself from any of the freindships and freindly aquaintances
made here.  However, this newsgroup has becvome an unwonted and
unwarranted waste and pressure not only upon my time, which is scant
enough as it is, but upon my pateince and has definetely had a negative
effect on myself.

Long story short, I arrived here, and for better
and for worse,
made myself a reputation as a resident Asshole for AG.
A lovable/likable thug to some
a barely tolerable frothing prick to others.

  Now I can't honestly say that either one or the other has bothered me
in the majority, because, in truth, there just isn't enough in me to give
any credence to the perceptions of most of the people who transient
through here...and of many who are regulars.  However, I have, as time
has gone on, made my response fit this self ascribed mold, and have done
so increasingly.  Take for instance, my last Validity of Violence thread.
 The first was a relatively well reasoned document on the "pros" of
violent behavior.  The last had its occasional strong points, but almost
immeadiately degenerated into a rage of lashing invective and pointless
insult.  All of my arguments were lost amid the sound and fury, and I did
lash out at least at one person whom I truly do have a modicum of
respect.  That cost me something.  As bad as that, it also gave a tacit
win for those who I was arguing against...and anyone who knows me in the
slightest should understand that I hate that with a passion.  The worst
of it all is that I simply am not like that.  Not in the vast majority of
my life, not in person (absent large quantities of alchohol and a bad
day).  I _am_ violent when I feel I need or should be.	This is more
often than most people think so.  They are wrong...and I am right.  BUT I
AM NOT a frothing,rabid animal who loses his calm in the face of postions
taken by others that I hold in contempt.

And I have become that animal here.
And that, is reason enough to leave.

  It is not by far the only one though.  One is a steadly increasing
sense of ennui about the latest influx of AG members.  Bluntly put, many
of you newbies bore the bloody hell out of me.	You aren't even annoying,
succesfully. Just stupid and insipid and prolific in typing out
meaningless shit.

Some of you aren't.

  Brother Cadfel for instance.	FOr all his utterly foolish opinions, and
his occasional odious ones, Cadfel has brought a new string of debate and
argument here.	I not only miss that, but grow despondent at my own lack
of contribution. Whereas in my better days, I could lay out four or five
meaingful posts a week, sometimes in a single night, now it takes me
weeks to post so much as half a dozen times...meaningful or not.

If I cannot accept medicority in others,
I tolerate it even less in myself.

  Also, the fact that one of the loves of my life is now living scant
feet from where I type this is yet another good reason for me to spend
less time with this NG and more with her, and with my other dear ones.

To long since I have moved to this city have
I lain dormant and sluggish.
It is time to move on, and to grow up, as it where.
And, when this particular spate of it is done, I'll return.

  Part of that process is for me to return here only after some rather
serious self examintation.  AG is not the largest part of this, only the
spark which has finally driven me to do so.  And, I beleive that my
method of doing so will be directly related to my latest creative
endevour...my consolidation of all my former artwork, writing,, etcetera
and its placement in my website, The Chainsaw Gallery.	If every good
creation or rebirth muyst first be followed by destruction or death, then
hopefully while creating that, I will leave the less mature, valueless
parts of myself and my life on the cutting room floor.

In short, I have some imporatant
internal housecleaning to do,
and I'll be doing it wiht powertools and a blowtorch.
And alt.gothic is simply not going to be a part of that
for a while.

Thank you for your time, those who matter.
Please choke,
on something sharp,
those who do not.

Jealousy

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