From orchydnoir@aol.com Thu Apr 29 01:32:58 1999
Date: 13 Sep 1997 08:08:32 GMT
From: OrchydNoir <orchydnoir@aol.com>
Newsgroups: alt.gothic
Subject: Re: Finding God

>From: jabell@vgernet.net (Urisk)

>But if you want to be find 
>peace of mind the easy way, follow it anyhow...

For me, finding inner peace (whether you call it
god/dess, enlightenment, whatever) would hardly
be the *easy way*.

As of this moment I am struggling like mad.

I feel the same as I did when I was severely depressed,
even though I am now on medication.
Why? I have pretty much given up on *god*.

I haven't subscribed to the Christian belief for a few
years now. I only believed it because it was force-fed
to me. 

I've been reading the AOL Interfaith
boards like mad for the past six months, 
learning all I can about various religions and
beliefs.

My brain has been beaten into a quivering, 
confused pulp.

I've lost something. 

I don't know when it left.
I don't know exactly what it was.
I don't quite know what it's purpose was.
But I know that it was precious to me.

When I had *it*, I could look up in the night
sky and feel hope. I could see that there probably
*was* something beyond my imagination's bounds.
Something infinitely beautiful.

I could walk in the woods, and think "maybe there
ARE earth sprites about..". And that made me happy.

I dreamt of my future, and all the wonderful
possibilities it held.

Now I see bleakness, and nothing more.
The sky is so empty, the forest merely trees.

I feel like I did when I learned that there really
*was* no Santa Claus coming down my chimney.

It fucking HURTS.

I don't want to cease to exist when I die.
I don't want to think that this could all
be for NOTHING.

Even if I am somehow reincarnated into
 a tree sometime in the future,
I would be satisfied.

My *being* feels empty.
Every little bit of glitter and happiness
has been sucked out. 

Abortion of the soul.

This forest of despair is cold and oppressive.

I want to finally emerge into the dandelion-filled
fields of madness, as someone put it so wonderfully.

Lack of belief in *anything* hurts terribly,
especially when you once believed with all
of your heart.

The Emperor truly doesn't have any clothing.

There are no faeries.

No magick.

Once scientific terms are applied to magick,
it loses all mystique. You define it, you
negate it. It's dead. I killed it myself.

Some things *should* remain a mystery.
It gives us something to wonder about.

I do want so much to believe...
..believe that we go on. That this *isn't*
all for nothing. That we can live again,
or that we will at least find temporary
relief from all of the pain.

Apologies if this post is too Azrael Abyss-ish.
This has been on my chest for a long time.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
"I DO NOT BELIEVE IN FAERIES!!"
            ~Peter Panning